Saturday, October 30, 2010

Keep f*cking that chicken...

Originally I had hoped to blog about something positive or upbeat, but the reality is I have nothing positive or upbeat to dwell upon. Life is stinky shit on a stick. I won't focus on the usual suspects (hating Austin, hating Texas, hating Austin, hating Texas), and just focus on the fact that I have never felt more empty and dead inside in all of my life. This is is even worse than feeling suicidal, which, for or better or for worse, I am not. Simply put, I am just bored with my life. B-O-R-E-D. I am down to my last $20.00 and while I would love to spend it on four bottles of cheap CVS wine and remain in a tannin-soaked stupor, it feels more appropriate to save the money and buy those bottles of wine on New Year's Eve to celebrate yet another wasted, shitty year of my life. And that's what I'll do. I'll just wait until December 31st to get blitzed out of my mind and cry myself into another shitty year.

There aren't many bright spots. The few bright spots I had previously used to cling to sanity and security have been washed over by reality and let me tell you, reality is a motherfucker. The reality? I am an embarrassing excuse for a human being. Unemployed (again!), destitute, living with my mother (who really can't afford to have her useless 33 year old daughter living in her home for that much longer), and essentially uninspired by everything. I had wanted to feel good about my life, even if it's not much of a life. But I don't. I hate everything about it. Stifled, suffocated, and sorry. That says it all. I am stifled, I feel suffocated, and I am a sorry excuse for a human being. What happened? I really did think I would be better than this. I really did think I would have a chance, just one fucking chance, to be worth something in this world. People try and tell you that "positive" thinking and optimism are good for you. I could not disagree more. Optimism, positivity--those things are a part of a grand delusion. The world is not built to reward you for your "happy thoughts." It's about taking care of those who play the game and know the right people. And I am not one of those people.

I'm tired and disappointed. Tired of my mediocre life and disappointed in myself. While I may not be interested in hastening my demise, I'm beyond caring about feeling alive. My life is about going through the motions (wake, sleep, wake sleep) and I'm bored. I'm over it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Here's to morning coffee.

And why am I praising my morning coffee? These days it's the only thing I look forward to with any consistency. I hate the overrated shitty little hipster mecca I am forced to live in; I am unemployed; I have no money; and I hate where I live. Wait. I said that already. Well, it's true. I can't think of the last time I had something I was genuinely excited about. Even the weather continues to suck balls. It's almost fucking November and the temperatures are still near 90 fucking degrees! What bullshit. Lest I find myself diving deeper into the murkier depths of psychological despair I try and find tiny things, little existential bites, to hold onto; because if I don't, I get very scared of where I might end up.

This morning I received yet another rejection for a job. It was a data entry position that any monkey could do. The interview and interviewer were half-assed and the job did not require any specific or significant intelligence to speak of; even so, the position was awarded to someone else. When I inquired with the employer about what they found lacking in my qualifications they simply said, "We just chose to go in another direction." I've heard this before and it's not in the least bit helpful. What it really means is, "We have the ability to be completely arbitrary and selective in our process and feel no need to share any information with you which might aid you in acquiring work." At this point I'd be fine with hearing, "Well, the other person had bigger tits and was way hotter than you." Or, "We don't like your hair." But when you receive no feedback whatsoever, none, it leaves you feeling more demoralized than ever. So, I have come to a new conclusion about my job search: I am not going to search for a job any more. What the fuck for? The only way you can get decent jobs in this town is to fuck the right people. That's not a lie.

I'm too old for that shit. And I'm not fuckable.

I still want to escape this shitwaste vat of overrated garbage and I will...eventually.