Originally I had hoped to blog about something positive or upbeat, but the reality is I have nothing positive or upbeat to dwell upon. Life is stinky shit on a stick. I won't focus on the usual suspects (hating Austin, hating Texas, hating Austin, hating Texas), and just focus on the fact that I have never felt more empty and dead inside in all of my life. This is is even worse than feeling suicidal, which, for or better or for worse, I am not. Simply put, I am just bored with my life. B-O-R-E-D. I am down to my last $20.00 and while I would love to spend it on four bottles of cheap CVS wine and remain in a tannin-soaked stupor, it feels more appropriate to save the money and buy those bottles of wine on New Year's Eve to celebrate yet another wasted, shitty year of my life. And that's what I'll do. I'll just wait until December 31st to get blitzed out of my mind and cry myself into another shitty year.
There aren't many bright spots. The few bright spots I had previously used to cling to sanity and security have been washed over by reality and let me tell you, reality is a motherfucker. The reality? I am an embarrassing excuse for a human being. Unemployed (again!), destitute, living with my mother (who really can't afford to have her useless 33 year old daughter living in her home for that much longer), and essentially uninspired by everything. I had wanted to feel good about my life, even if it's not much of a life. But I don't. I hate everything about it. Stifled, suffocated, and sorry. That says it all. I am stifled, I feel suffocated, and I am a sorry excuse for a human being. What happened? I really did think I would be better than this. I really did think I would have a chance, just one fucking chance, to be worth something in this world. People try and tell you that "positive" thinking and optimism are good for you. I could not disagree more. Optimism, positivity--those things are a part of a grand delusion. The world is not built to reward you for your "happy thoughts." It's about taking care of those who play the game and know the right people. And I am not one of those people.
I'm tired and disappointed. Tired of my mediocre life and disappointed in myself. While I may not be interested in hastening my demise, I'm beyond caring about feeling alive. My life is about going through the motions (wake, sleep, wake sleep) and I'm bored. I'm over it.