Sunday, May 31, 2009

Long time no blog . . .

What can you do? Life happens. Even if that life is really no life at all.

I am still monstrously underemployed (though I can actually tolerate my coworkers . . . with one notable exception), I still hate where I live, I'm still broke, and I'm still just me. I'm just trying to keep myself distracted. If I spend too much time thinking about my life and how really pathetic it is I get to the point where I don't ever want to leave the indoors. Clinicians call it depression, I call it a reality check.

I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about love, romantic love. Not because I'm especially interested in the concept, but because as I grow older more and more people I've known and excised from my life are finding their way into domestic arrangements. A lot of people are married these days. I recall having a conversation with someone a few years ago about how I was just never one of those females who would imagine the perfect wedding. I know such women exist, I've been friends with a couple of them. Even so, I was never party to the fantasy. Marriage is fine, but love is so much better. I've only had small tastes of love, but what I tasted was enough for my lifetime. It didn't fill me up and when things went sour it was difficult to remove the sour taste from my mouth; but I'm still one of love's biggest advocates, even if I never want anything to do with it again for as long as I may live.

I'm alone. I've always been alone. And it feels as though I'll probably always be alone. But strangely this doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to when I was younger. I have gotten over the supposed belief that if you aren't attached, married, or having sex on a regular basis, you must surely be miserable. Meh. There are so many other parts of my life that are royally fucked up that it would be the cruelest thing imaginable to try and bring someone else into this nightmare of a life I've been forced to settle for. I'm not so cruel. It's largely one of the reasons why I avoid friendships, old and new, by any means necessary.

Another friend I no longer know once told me that I could expect all of my married friends to be divorced within 10-15 years. It had happened to her and a few of her friends. I shook my head, "I hope not. That would make me sad. I want people to have good love."

And that's no lie.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Holy Moly.

I just read my blog from last night.

I really should learn to stay away from the computer after finishing a six pack on an empty stomach.

Trust me, I'm paying for it today.

That bottle of wine needs to be opened eventually. Hair of the dog?

There is a library DVD of Best in Show to be watched. I shall elevate myself prior to enjoying the film. You know, to enhance the already hilariously funny parts. Or whatever.

Thankfully the family is gone for the weekend. Merciful silence.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Stream?

It's Friday.

I have nothing to do and no one to do it with. Why should this matter? I'm a 32 year old woman (almost!) who can't just be content with her own company. After an internal recitation of this reality I thereafter proceed to consider issues such as the following:

*I have no partner.
*I have no spouse.
*I have no car.
*I have no home.
*I have no friends.
*I have no financial security.
*I have no job worth mentioning.
*I have no solvency.
*I have no prospects.
* I have no idea what I'm doing.

Of course, this list is not all-inclusive. It's just a bunch of spittle. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself and where I am. I want to be someone or anyone else. But that's impossible. Instead I remain me. I just wish (Tiffany doesn't pray sports fans) I had more to show for myself. It's not a good thing when sometimes the only thing you look forward to in the evening is the ability to import that new CD you just checked out from the library. Yeah, the library you go to AT LEAST three times a week, because it's "something to do."

You're always looking for something to do, aren't you Tiffany? Without question this would probably be because of the fact that you've not ever really done SOMETHING with yourself. So, just keep busy. Stay distracted. Pretend you're not unhappy. Pretend you're not a smudge. Try to keep faking it.

I just want something/someone/somewhere to look forward to.