Wednesday, July 30, 2008

It's not for everyone.

Life that is. It's not for everyone.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Things I love about the internet . . .

You really can find anything on the net. Anything. I've been looking for information on the most efficient ways to commit suicide. Yes, that's right. I am very interested in the subject. I'm not sure how soon I'd go about it, if only because it bothers me to think I'd upset my mother a bit. It only bothers me a little. I am slowly getting to the point where even her feelings don't influence me. I used to say that if my mother weren't alive, I'd do it. I'd do it without hesitation. I'd probably say screw the fact that there might be pain, step in front of an oncoming 18-wheeler and be done with it. My mother will be fine. She has people in her life who would take good care of her and hopefully help her understand that I am much better off dead than alive. I have not contributed one thing to this world. Not one. I am 31 years old and have nothing to show for who I am. I'm alone, I'm unemployed, in debt up to my eyeballs, and have no prospect for even the sorriest of jobs. I can't even get McDonald's to call me back for an interview. What does that say to you?

I'm ready to be done with this life. I don't want to be here (alive, on Earth, whatever) any more. I just have to figure out how to do it, where to do it, and when to do it.

I'm so tired of pretending I want to be here. I hope it's black. I hope it's really dark, empty, and less scary than life. Please let it be.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Doldrums.

I am bored.

I am so, so, so, so, so, so bored.

I don't want to be.

I feel numb to everything.

I wish someone would accidentally hit me with their car.

Friday, July 25, 2008

This will be a blog about a boy . . . or a man.

I have not blogged in a while. In almost six months to be exact. A lot has happened to me. Most of it bad. But we won't talk about all of the bad stuff, only the bad stuff I want to talk about. What kind of bad stuff do I want to talk about? I want to talk about liking and loving and everything in between. No, not really everything, but a few of the things.

I fell in love with a man in less than a week. More like three days. Do you believe that's possible? I didn't. I'm a pessimist when it comes to those kinds of things, so why would I believe that it were truly possible, especially for a woman like me. Well, it happened. It happened and it scared the shit out of me. So I did what I do best, I pushed him away. Far, far away. I pushed him away by telling him the truth about me: I hate myself. I've always hated myself. I will probably always hate myself. I don't always want to hate myself. It's just part of who I am. I'm good at hating myself. I've never had any real reasons to love myself. And so, when I needed to learn to love myself, so that I could finally get what I wanted from someone else, I couldn't do it. I ruined it with my insecurities and self-hate and bullshit. And now I can't stop thinking about him.