I don't put much faith in things. Especially people. People are not interested in your feelings. At least, they have never been interested in my feelings. It's the worst thing imaginable to be so expendable to the world. I'm learning to care less about keeping people in my life and am more interested in learning the secret to forgetting people in my life. There are notable exceptions. My mother is pretty much indispensable. Otherwise, I ignore the hurt in my heart and pretend I don't need, don't feel, and don't want. It doesn't really work, but what choice have I in the matter?
I am not enjoying all of this rain. It's relentless. On top of that it makes my feet cold. Rather, my feet are cold because my feet are always wet. I hate being sick and this kind of weather is exactly what makes me sick. Literally and figuratively.
I'm tired of talking about my life. There is nothing going on in it, and truth be told, there's really no point to my life.
So let's talk about politics.
I've been spending a bit of time contemplating who I will vote for in Tuesday's California primary. When I was younger I was profoundly fascinated and excited by politics. Actually, I refused to call what followed politics, but aspired to a higher level of activity and almost alway said I was hoping to locate statesmanship or public service in the guise of our elected officials. I had an almost perverse, unhealthy interest in CSPAN throughout my University years. I was addicted to the channel. Absolutely addicted. It was the only thing I liked more than food or books. I remember being a little girl and actually watching the hearings of the Iran-Contra scandal. What eight year old does this? I've always been strange. I have a very real feeling that we're on the cusp of a very significant political moment. There is the potential for a monumental transformation in the way we allow our nation to be perceived. The right leader can send the right message. History can be made with this election. But I want more than just history, I want a robust, genuine, honest vision which is concerned with defining the priorities of our country in such a way as to again inspire people to seek to become engaged in the process of government. I want to know that one of the current presidential candidates understands there is a vacuum, a very real void, which will require the articulation of a grand, practical vision enlisting us all to do more than just believe in the power of the American Idea, but to do our part on the most minute of levels to see this Idea come to pass. No one should want a continuation of the Bush Administration's "It's Our Way or Get the Hell Out of the Way" brand of politicking. It is indeed a time for a personality which can bridge a variety of the ever-widening chasms we've allowed to erupt. Whether the inequalities be those of wealth, education, or access, the time has come to find someone with the guts to acknowledge these rifts and call upon us to conscientiously tread the path toward the discovery of solutions. I don't think for an instant I'll see solutions in my lifetime, but I would like to feel I lived during a period when the cynicism was finally outweighed by a glowing sense of unabashed optimism. Not in any Age of Aquarius-type of way, but again, just in a way that says, "I can care about what happens to people and I elect leaders who do as well." So, as a woman of biracial lineage I find I am very torn when it comes to my choice this Tuesday. A woman in the White House? Part of me says, "Yes! It's about damn time!" But then there is that other part of me, the African-American/Latina who says, "But what a marvelous healing moment it would be to know that we'd gone from an enslaving nation, to a nation willing to elect a descendant of slaves to its highest offices." I wave off the symbolism, and hope I will be able to make a decision, not based on my desire to see grounds broken, but on my desire to see someone, at last, do good in the name of my country.